Rambling Tuesday

I need to ramble. 

• Wisdom Teeth — the extraction went well.  I was in pain, very swollen, and it sucked.  I’m still healing, thanks to a slight complication.  But I think I’ll be back to normal within a few weeks.
• Work — the spring semester has started, and so far, so good. The biggest problem is that I have 5 preps, and I’m struggling to stay organized with everything I have to do.  A few of the classes are completely new to me, which means reading and creating new assignments/material.  Which leads me to…
• My Planner.  *sigh*  I started off the year with a planner, which started failing me when my task list exploded.  I tried using an app for my calendar/tasks, but I just feel better when I can write things down.  So I DIY’d a planner in a graph composition book, and that was working well until I realized that I needed more space for random lists, and then a student gave me an odd look when I pulled out my planner to write down an appointment.  So, again, I’m trying to find a system that works for me.  The challenge is that because most of my work is done at home, I need a planner that’s spacious enough for work/home schedule, and my work/home tasks.  I like to see a week at a time, too, so that I can see when my week is going to be crazy. 
• Weight Watchers.  Well.  Thanks to my wisdom teeth procedure, I’ve lost weight this month.  But now that I’m mostly healed, I need to get back on track.  But I’m frustrated with Weight Watchers. Don’t get me wrong — I like the program, and I think that it works.  But, for some reason, it doesn’t work for me.  And I’m starting to have a really difficult time paying $50/month for it.  So, I’m considering breaking up with WW and going back to tracking calories on MyFitnessPal.  Honestly, I like the MFP app better, especially being able to calculate recipes on the app, where with WW I had to use the computer), and it’s FREE.  FREE is good right now.  Very good.  But I’m afraid that if I leave WW, I’ll fail again.  My motivation is lagging.  I’ve come a long way; I’ve lost over 40lbs since I had BabyPilgrim in August.  But I need to step it up and start exercising.  I have access to a gym on campus (for free!), but I haven’t used it yet.  Mostly because I was healing, but also because when I’m on campus, I try to get work done so that I don’t have to do it at home.  But I need to work out.  I know that I’ll feel better. 

I think that’s all for now.  Sorry for the rambling, and thanks for reading.  Any comments, guidance, or kicks in the ass would be appreciated. 🙂

 

Fear of Evaluation

So, along with all of the New Year’s Resolutions and Goals, many folks are evaluating their lives, and thinking about the kind of life they want to live.

I’m afraid to do that.

I’m afraid that if I think about what I want, or how I want my life to be, I’ll realize that I’m not who I want to be, or who I thought I’d be.  What if reflecting on my life leads me to realize that I’m not married to the right person, or in the right career, or that I really am not cut out to be a mother? What if I live in the wrong state?

My life isn’t at all what I thought it would be like, when I was a teenager dreaming about becoming a writer, and living in NYC.  I thought I’d be alone, a crazy cat lady, churning out poems and novels in a dusty, book-covered apartment. 

Instead, I barely write anymore, I haven’t moved away from my hometown, I’m married, and I have two sons.  I haven’t been to NYC in over a decade.  I’ve just followed this path that Life set out for me.  Sure, I had some goals along the way, mostly related to my education, but for the most part, I didn’t think about where I was going; I just went. 

Following that non-plan, I found my way back to the love of my life (go ahead, gag.  I know it’s cheesy), got a job at a school that I love despite its flaws, and had children, something I didn’t think I wanted.  I also realized that I didn’t want to be an unhealthy role model for my boys, and started following Weight Watchers.  I’m going to start running, something I NEVER thought I’d want to do.

What do I do if this is all wrong?  If I really think about what I want, and realize that non of my current life fits? My people don’t think about whether or not they’re happy; they just live their lives, and accept what comes, both good and bad. 

I’m 3 years away from being 40. And even though I realize that’s young, I still sometimes feel like that’s too old to make major changes in my life. I still have angst because I don’t have a full-time teaching gig at this age. 

Am I happy?  I think so.  I have moments of frustration, sure, but overall, I think I’m a much happier person than I used to be.  I love my boys.  I love my job. I love my family.  I guess the question I should be asking is: do I love myself?

*sigh*

I was hoping that by writing all of this, I’d figure it out.  But I haven’t. 

Have any of you been afraid to take stock of your lives, and face the reality that you may need to make some major changes?

On Surviving and Moving Forward

I survived the wisdom teeth extraction today.  AND I didn’t cry in front of Hot Dr. 

Call me silly, but since I had kids, I’ve been more aware of my mortality.  I’m terrified that something will happen, and that they’ll have to live without me.  Which they’ll have to do eventually, but I’d like them to be old enough to actually remember me. 

I know that wisdom teeth extraction is routine, but I was mostly concerned about a cyst in my jaw.  The Dr. planned on doing a biopsy, and was overly cautious in telling me that there was a slim chance it could be cancer.  So, I’ve had that in the back of my head for a month.  Thankfully, when he got in there today, he found that it wasn’t actually a mass, just a pocket of stuff, and there was nothing to biopsy.  Gross, but I’ll take it. 

I’m in pain, but he gave me some good drugs that I’ll take when I’m not on kid duty tonight. 

Most of all, I’m just relieved.  I didn’t realize how much all of this was weighing on me until after the procedure was over.  I finally feel like I can start planning my fitness and health goals for the year.  I’m starting C25K in a couple of weeks, and this WILL be the year I hit goal (or come damn close to it) on Weight Watchers.  I also plan on transitioning to a more veg*n diet throughout the year, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. 

I’ve felt so…on hold…for the past year.  Getting pregnant unexpectedly (though I’m so grateful that it happened) and having to put all of my big plans on hold really threw me.  Now, nothing is standing in my way, and I love that feeling. 

Hey, 2013. Nice to Meet You.

I’ve been opening and closing WordPress over and over the past few days, trying to decide what I wanted to write.  Nothing seems important enough.  Or, I have nothing new to add to the conversation. 

I’m on my winter break now, and finished all of my fall grading yesterday.  But now I have to start prepping for classes, which begin on January 14th.  Oh, and I’m having two wisdom teeth removed tomorrow.  I really, really don’t want to do it.  I’m terrified that it will hurt and that I’ll be in pain for weeks (thanks, super hot Dr. for scaring me that way). 

The holidays were great. Lots of stress, last-minute wrapping,  and not enough baking, but it was all worth it to see the boys (ok, just KidPilgrim) excited.  BabyPilgrim gurgled and oohed, but those are his typical baby noises.  But I think he was excited. 

I’ve fallen a little off of the Weight Watchers wagon, enjoying lots of cookies and sweets over the past few weeks.  I’m mostly ok with this.  I’ve pretty much maintained my weight, which was my goal for the holidays.  Now I’m ready to start eating healthy again, and to start exercising. 

One of the colleges I’m going to teach at has a very nice fitness center and pool that I’m allowed to use for free.  So, the plan is to start C25K in a couple of weeks.  I’m looking forward to it.  I’ve pretty much been a slug for a year.  I’m ready to move again. 

I do have some goals and resolutions for the new year, but I won’t bore you with them.  I just like the idea/feeling of a clean slate.  A new year to fill with experiences, good and bad.  The past few years have been full of big changes for me, and I don’t expect anything less from 2013.

I hope everyone is well, and enjoying life. Be kind to one another. And hold hands while crossing the street. 

Auden’s “Funeral Blues”

I Need Some Whine…

I’m having a day.  I just want to stay in my sweats, crawl into bed, and read.  Or sleep.  All day.  Instead, I’ve watched Super Why!, played with Play Doh, danced, sang Muppet songs, changed diapers, and made bottles. 

Oh, and I had a CT Scan, too. 

I’m having some issues (nothing horrible) with my teeth, which led to xrays, which led to the decision to have my 2 bottom wisdom teeth out.  Yay! Let’s spend winter break in pain.  Whatever.  The problem is that the xray showed a weird…thing (cyst, pocket, mass?) in my jaw.  My surgeon ordered a CT Scan.  To, you know, make sure that it’s not cancer.  Because that’s something that I need to worry about right now. 

Now, I wait.  I see the surgeon again next Thursday, and I guess I’ll get the results of the scan then.  I know that the chances that it’s something serious are slim.  But, I didn’t need the C-word in the back of my mind.

Seriously, I’m already stressed because it’s the end of the semester, students are failing left and right, and I have a ton of grading to do.  Add the holidays on top of that, and I feel like a barely functioning human being. 

But I’ll make it through all of this.  I always do. 

Thanks for letting me whine for a moment…

Reverb12: The Plank, Scars

For the month of December, I’m participating in Reverb12, responding to prompts reflecting on my year.  If you’d like to participate, visit Daily Angst.

Prompt for December 9th: The Plank: It has been said that you must learn to take care of yourself before you can be effective at taking care of others.  How did you take care of yourself in 2012?  How will you take care of yourself in 2013?

Taking care of myself is always difficult for me.  So much of my energy is directed toward my work, my husband, and especially my boys.  I tended to put myself last.  This fall, though, I told my husband that I need time for myself every week.  Time that’s not taken up by work, grocery shopping, etc.  I wanted time for ME.  So, I decided that on Saturday mornings, I would go to Weight Watchers, and then do something for myself.  Recently, that time was spent taking yoga classes.  Now that they are finished, I have to find something else.   But I will continue to do that in 2013.  Having those few hours to do whatever I want helps so much.

10. Prompt for December 10th:  Scars:  They leave marks, and sometimes you can only take what you can carry.  What will you, by choice or by chance, carry into 2013?

Honestly, I don’t know.  I’m trying to just let some things go.  I’m tired of carrying around my past, and my wounds.

This Buddy Wakefield quote has been floating around my mind for the past few weeks:

“If you think being dysfuncted and damaged, strapped to your baggage, dirty, ruined and hurt like critical, cynical, scathing, if you’re lost or have come up missing, scarred and scared (or pretending you aren’t), when you think that’s all you’ve got, it’s not. The sadness you wear around like a trophy is intriguing at most, but it’s miserable, and about as original as a frat boy with a visor cap. So step up.”  — Buddy Wakefield, “Moving Forward”

I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore, using my past and things that still hurt as an excuse.  It’s not productive.  I want to grow and learn, and be happy.  I don’t want to wallow.  It drives me nuts when people hide behind that shit, and use it as an excuse to not change or grow.  I hate when people use the excuse “I’m broken.”  Bullshit.  We all have experiences that change us, hurt us, make us want to crawl into the fetal position and stay there forever.  But if we let that control us, we might as well lay down and die.  Because if you live in that shadow of hurt and the past, you’re not really living.  And shouldn’t we want to live for a living?

If you’re participating in Reverb12, please leave a link below.  I’d love to read your responses!

Reverb12: Art

For the month of December, I’m participating in Reverb12, responding to prompts reflecting on my year.  If you’d like to participate, visit Daily Angst.

Prompt for December 8th: Art: What was the most moving piece of art that you saw/experienced this year?  This could mean a painting or a sculpture, or a performance you took in, or even a book that you read – tell us about the kind of art you encountered, and the way that it moved you.

I am incredibly blessed, because the colleges I teach at often invite amazing writers to campus for readings.  I’m close to NYC and Philadelphia, but rarely get to visit there anymore due to the kids.  So, I have to wait for writers to visit close to home.

In April, poet Taylor Mali visited campus for a reading.   Here’s his most famous poem:

I wrote about the poem and how it led me to reflect on my career here.

I also had the honor of breaking bread with poet Mark Doty this year.

Doty’s greatest influence on my writing came from a comment he made when discussing writing about personal issues.  He said that when we’re afraid to write, when we look for excuses to turn away from the computer or the page, is when we need to force ourselves to write.  We can’t let fear keep us from processing whatever it is that’s bothering us.  We have to find the courage to write.

And then there’s Buddy.  I know that I tweet, speak, and write about him all of the time.  But he has absolutely changed my view of art.  Of poetry.  Of reacting to writing.  I listen to his work almost every day during my commute.  Usually just a poem or two.  It’s comforting to me.  So many of the things he writes about connect with my philosophy, or other issues that I’m struggling with.  I am so grateful for his work.

In his poem “Horseheads” he writes, “It is work to ride head up and holy here.”  That line runs through my head every time I set foot on campus and think about all of the behind-the-scenes BS that goes on.  It reminds me that no matter what, I need to be true to myself, and true to the work I do.

And then there’s his poem “Giant Saint Everything,” which leads to tears every time I read or hear it.  Especially the lines

And then there were the ways You caught me
moving back into my cave where the wheels turn,
same wheels that drove You off.
I should have told You
before talking in terms of Forever
that any given day wears me out and works me sour,
that there are nights when the sky is so clear
I stand obnoxious underneath it
begging for the stars to shoot at me
just so I can feel at Home.

Oh, how those words describe how I’ve felt in every relationship I’ve had.

I can’t find a video of him reading it, so settle for this:

Amen, Buddy.

If you’re participating in Reverb12, please leave a link below.  I’d love to read your responses!

 

Weight Watchers: Week 16 Weigh-In

I was looking forward to my Weight Watchers meeting this morning because of the new WW 360 program.  I was not, however, looking forward to getting on the scale.

I started out so well this week.  I planned, I prepped, I ate clean, and was on target.  Then I got sick on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Then I got stressed.  Then I ate ALL THE FOOD.  I knew this morning that I’d show a gain. 

I gained 1.2lbs. 

It is what it is.  When I eat healthy foods, and drink my water, I lose weight.  When I don’t, I gain.  It’s that simple. 

Today’s meeting focused on creating a routine about snacks.  I found this extremely helpful as I often find myself starving when I’m at work or out and about.  I’ve gotten better at making sure that I pack snacks for myself, but there’s always room for improvement.  We discussed several obstacles or excuses regarding packing snacks, and then discussed solutions to all of them.

My biggest obstacle is laziness.  I don’t want to deal with anything in the morning before work, so that’s not a great time for me to pack snacks.  So, I have to pack them the night before.  It takes only a few minutes, and it saves me from attacking the vending machine the next day. 

We were also asked to set a goal for the week.  I decided that I would focus on water, since I’ve been slacking on that.  I’m aiming for 64oz minimum per day.  Completely doable.  And I will do it. 

Seriously. No more half-assing this.

Reverb12: The Feast

For the month of December, I’m participating in Reverb12, responding to prompts reflecting on my year.  If you’d like to participate, visit Daily Angst.

Prompt for December 7th: Feast: Hopefully you’ve had more than one spectacular meal in 2012, but what is the first that comes to mind?  Were you surrounded by family at the dining room table?  Sitting on a bench by the lake?  Bring us there.

Some of my most favorite meals are when I’m having a snack or lunch with my oldest son.  He’s 2.5 years old, and I love our conversations.  He’s curious, honest, and funny.  We have conversations about food, songs, stories, anything he wants.

He is also a very good influence when it comes to eating.  Most kids his age are into mac & cheese, and chicken nuggets.  He likes those foods, but he’d rather eat yogurt, fruit, veggies — healthy food.  And that, in turn, leads me to have healthier food.

My other favorite meals are the rare dinner-date nights with my husband.  We usually end up at a diner, as fancy meals just aren’t in our budget anymore.  Our conversations are different now that we have children.  We discuss practical things, and inevitably talk about how awesome our kids are.  I do miss the wooing, and the romantic nature of our old conversations, and I do hope to return to that someday.  But as a couple with two small children…well, our lives are lived in the practical for now.

If you are participating in Reverb12, please leave a link below.  I’d love to read your responses!