I used to be a fan of MTV’s show “Jackass.” Please, don’t judge, but I thought it was funny as hell. Stupid humor, but it made me laugh. Bam Margera ended up with his own show, and his father Phil was a featured “character.” Phil was morbidly obese, and always the butt of jokes. In one episode, Phil is challenged to not eat for 24 hours. Bam told everyone not to feed Phil, even telling Phil’s favorite eateries not to serve him. He also put up signs:
Lately, I’ve felt like making a similar sign with my face, and distributing it everywhere in town.
I can’t stop eating.
During my worst eating phase, about 10 years ago, I worked mostly alone (my boss was there maybe 2-3 hours per week) in an office. My days were filled with food to combat the loneliness. I’d eat small ice cream cakes, order enough food for 5 people and eat it all myself…it was bad. I was embarrassed when I ordered the food, but instead of letting that stop me, I’d write my order down on a list, to make it seem more authentic that I was ordering for more than myself.
Once I left that office environment, my eating calmed down, and my binges were further and further apart until I just didn’t do it anymore. I didn’t go right to eating healthy, but I was on my way.
Lately, I’ve been eating more and more like that girl in the office. Muffins, donuts, candy, ice cream, portions big enough for 2-3 people. I’ve even starting hiding my eating from my kids because a) I’m eating food I don’t want them to have, and b) I’m ashamed of how much I’m eating. I’m lucky that KidPilgrim will choose fruit over a cookie, and I don’t want to change that.
I’ve tried everything I can think of. I’ve planned out my meals ahead of time, stocked my kitchen with healthy foods, let Hubs know what my eating plan is so that he can “check” on me, texted friends when I feel the urge to derail, tried Weight Watchers, tried MyFitnessPal, tried moderation, tried quitting sugar cold turkey. I’m still struggling.
I’m aware that every bit of food I put in my mouth is a conscious choice. I’m aware that I’m eating to cover up feelings. My life isn’t horrible by any means. Honestly. But I do get bored, or stressed, or frustrated, especially when I’m alone with the kids. Instead of yelling, I eat. Instead of allowing myself to just be bored or frustrated, I eat. And eat. And eat. My problem time is the afternoon. I try to keep myself busy, but most days that doesn’t work.
I know that I’m the only person who can change this.
On Sunday, I sat down and planned out my meals for the week. My goal was to eat clean, vegetarian, and to cut out the sugar (not completely, but eat healthier sugar like fruit). Monday was ok. Not perfect, but ok. Today, I went to the store to pick up some things, and found myself standing in front of the muffin display. I chose three muffins. Because, you know, one just isn’t enough. I just ate one of them. It was too sweet, delicious, and I feel gross now. But I keep thinking about the other two muffins that are waiting for me.
And I seriously just want to cry. Because this isn’t what I want for myself. I should treat myself better than this.
A year ago, I was 8 months pregnant, and couldn’t wait to get back to Weight Watchers. I had plans to start running, and to run a half marathon this year. This was supposed to be the year I finally reached my goal weight.
I’m nowhere near any of those goals.
I have no idea what to do, and that scares me. What if I can’t stop? What if I gain weight back? What if I never live a day as a healthy adult? What if my kids develop these same eating habits? What if I never run? What if I don’t live to see my kids grow up?
I need help.