Breathe

Forgive me if this post is a bit jumbled.  I have a lot to write, and I can’t guarantee that it’ll make sense. 

I am not happy….with anything, really.  I’ve been depressed for months.  Not depressed to the point where I can’t function, thankfully, but depressed to the point where I’m just not fun to be around.  I don’t smile or laugh much.  I yell too much.  I don’t want to be this way.

Let me break it down…

• Work: I am frustrated with work.  I am so, so tired of being an adjunct.  While there have been benefits to teaching at multiple colleges (exposure to different philosophies, technology, students, professional development, etc), I’m tired of it.  I hate having to drive so much.  I hate having different bags for each school.  I hate not having an office, or even a desk (though I did luck out and get to share a real office at one campus this spring, and it was fantastic) or file cabinet.  I hate that most of my work is done at home, and that it interferes with my family. I hate that despite working my ass off, I barely break $20K per year.  I understand that I chose to teach and leave corporate life (where I had my own office, a real salary, and benefits), but I didn’t think I’d still be part-time after 7+ years.  Full-time teaching gigs are rare in these parts.  I don’t know how much longer I can do this financially or mentally.
• Kids: I love my kids.  I really do.  But I find myself getting frustrated at the littlest things.  I find myself not wanting to cuddle or play.  I’ve been yelling too much instead of just listening and showing compassion. That’s not the kind of mom I want to be.
• Marriage: My therapist warned me years ago that marital satisfaction declines with each child.  I didn’t believe her.  But, oh boy, was she right! Hubs and I are in constant parent mode, and rarely have time alone together.  We’re disconnected, and I hate it. 
• Food: Seriously.  I’m so tired of thinking about weight loss.  I’ve been maintaining since February, but I need to get my ass in gear and do something.  I don’t know what the answer is. 
• Personal: I want to write. I want to garden.  I want to make food from scratch, and learn how to be self-sufficient.  I want to run. 

I know that I am the only one who can change my situation.  I know that I have to make some changes.

But first, I need to just breathe.  If I try to make everything better at once, I know I’ll get overwhelmed and fail. To me, the most important things I need to focus on right now are my kids and my marriage.  This weekend, I’m going to just enjoy them, and be grateful that I have my boys in my life.  I’m going to count to 10 when I want to yell, and hug them instead. I don’t want them to be afraid of me. 

The boys both just fell asleep, so I think I’m going to put away my to-do list and my food journal, and just read a book.  And breathe.

End of the Semester CrapFest

You’d think after being a student…for a long, long time…and then teaching for 8 years, I’d be used to end of semester stress.  I’m not. I know when it comes, how long it lasts, and what it entails, but I still haven’t learned how to deal with it.

As a student, I would eat candy while I wrote my papers.  My favorite was peanut M&M’s because, well, at least it had peanuts, and peanuts mean protein.  I’d eat and eat candy, drink soda, write my brilliant papers, and survive the end of the semester.

As a teacher, the end of semester may not mean writing papers, but I certainly have to read and grade a lot of them. A TON of them. So many papers that I often consider using them to build a fort.  I haven’t grown out of my crap eating habits, though.  At the end of each semester, I make sure that I have candy, cookies, and cupcakes, and I eat my way through grading.  I’ve tried eating carrots, grapes, and other healthy things, thinking that it was simply the act of snacking on something, but I always found my way back to the sweets.

This past week, I’ve been eating healthy meals, but my snacking while grading has been out of control.  What’s making it worse this year is having two small children who just want to play with their Mama.  The guilt over not being able to cuddle or play when they want to has made the eating worse. I bought several boxes of Tastykakes at Wegmans, raided what’s left of the Easter candy, have been drinking way too much soda, and…well, you get the picture.  I feel like crap.  But I continue to eat these horrible, unhealthy foods.

And I’m giving myself permission to do it until the grading is over.  I’m hoping to be finished with everything by next Friday.  That’s 9 more days of crap, folks.

I just feel like I can’t deal with the life stress, work stress, and kid stress AND try to stay on track with Weight Watchers and eating healthy.  That  makes me feel incredibly weak.  I should be able to balance everything and take care of myself.  I shouldn’t turn to candy & other sweets.  I should find healthy alternatives. It’s not that difficult.

I think what’s making all of this worse is that I’m having major doubts about my career right now.  I’ve been teaching part-time for 8 years.  If I didn’t have my husband, I couldn’t live on what I make, and that scares me.  I could go back to a corporate life, make a good salary, have benefits, and not have to bring any work home with me.  I keep telling myself that I’ll give it one more year, and then a year passes without any hope of a full-time gig, and I fall into the academic cycle again.

I don’t know what the answer is, or how to fix anything right now.  I’m just trying to survive the end of the semester.

Thanks for reading.

Freeze-Frame

Folks, I’m tired.  TIRED.  So tired, I think I could sleep for a month, and I’d still be exhausted.  It’s a combination of stress (work), kids (waking up every few hours during the night), and…I don’t know what else. 

I started off well this week, and have since devolved into eating chocolate, sweets, and any other bit of crap I can think of.  Not good. 

I’m going through one of those periods when I feel pressure to FIGURE SHIT OUT, but I’m not quite sure what I need to figure out.  I think I’m experiencing a burn-out of sorts with teaching, for sure.  I haven’t had a semester off since…2007?  I didn’t take any time off when I had the boys, and I haven’t taken any summers off.  I wish I could afford to. 

I need a break.  Seriously.

I also feel this pressure (from myself) to start focusing on my writing again.  I want to apply to MFA programs in the next year, and start submitting pieces for publication again.  Along with that, I want/need a website devoted to writing, which has led to the debate about social media, and what I want public or private.  I don’t know that I want my students finding this blog, or my Twitter account.  But do I need to hide everything?  Do I want to?

All I know right now is that I need a break.  No grading, no diapers to change, or mouths to feed.  I need a date with my husband.  A real date, not a trip to Target or the grocery store.  We haven’t had a real date in…I can’t even remember. 

I just want to catch my breath before I move on.  Is that too much to ask?

Weight Watchers and Me: It’s Complicated

I teach a creative writing class Monday evenings, and I always bring a snack with me.  Until this week, when I didn’t.  During the break, I went to the vending machine (the cafe was closed) to investigate snacks.  All crap.  But there were nuts.  I chose a 1oz bag of cashews.  Not a bad snack.  But when I plugged it into my WW tracker later, I discovered that snack was 5pp. Seriously.

I know that in theory, I have my 49 weekly points to use, and I can earn Activity Points, to cover the nuts.  “Spending” 5pp on nuts shouldn’t bother me.  But then I started to think about how I started buying the bread that I only “sort of” like instead of the bread I love, because it’s only 1pp per slice instead of 2.  I’ve been skipping my 4pp yogurt (which my guts love) because on some days, I don’t have the points available.  I’ve made a few other changes like that over the past few weeks; choosing more processed foods rather than whole foods because they are less in points.  Not good. 

I considered trying the Simply Filling plan, but I need to track things. Not tracking leads to…well, not so good things for me.  Not that my eating has been stellar lately.  Clearly, I’m struggling.  And I’m my own worst enemy. 

So, again, I’m left wondering if I really want to be in this relationship.  I know that WW works for so many people, and I really, really wish I were one of them.  I know that the problems I have with the program are, by and large, my problems, not necessarily the fault of the program. 

I don’t know what the answer is.  Whatever “program” I decide to follow, I know that I have to do the work, and focus on making lasting changes. 

Weight Watchers folks: how do you navigate eating whole, healthy foods v. food that’s simply low in points?

 

 

Pancakes Don’t Belong in Cars

Please tell me I’m not the only person to join Weight Watchers and gain right away?  Maybe it’s because I’m not new to the program; the magic just isn’t there.  I’ve been tracking (ok, aside from the past two days when the damn app and Etools just don’t want to work…and my ire causes me to “forget” about my paper tracker), but my eating habits haven’t changed.  And they so, so need to.

April sucks. Seriously.  Yeah, yeah, spring is here, and daffodils are in bloom, which is great.  But April means, for me, that the end of the semester is nearing, which means research papers, endless grading, and students who realize (too late) that they’re failing and start begging and attempting to bribe me.  Add my non-work life to that mix, and I’m one stressed Pilgrim.  And when I’m stressed and tired, I eat like crap.  Because, you know, eating like crap will TOTALLY make me feel better.

Right.

This morning, after dropping my diabetic cat off at the vet, I found myself craving McDonald’s hotcakes and sausage.  Me, the person who’s been showing Food, Inc. to her class this week, telling them that fast food is the DEVIL, and we need to eat healthy, whole foods.  I didn’t attempt to talk myself out of it, and ate my hotcakes in the car.  Because pancakes should be eaten in a car, not at a table where I can relax or anything.  I didn’t even enjoy them; I ate them like a dog, shoving the pieces in my mouth and choking them down.  I didn’t chew well enough, and felt the food want to lodge in my throat.  Because what I need is to choke on hotcakes and die in a McDonald’s parking lot. 

*sigh*

I need to break out of this.  Eating like crap doesn’t make me feel better.  I know that I feel better when I eat healthy food.  If I fell better, I can deal with the stress better.  But somehow, I forget that when I want hotcakes, or a Little Debbie brownie, or a third cup of coffee.  Not good. 

Anyone have any great tips for dealing with stress without eating like crap?  I really think I need to de-tox and somehow break free of the hold sugar has over me. 

Belated Meatless March Wrap-Up

I’ve always wanted to try a vegetarian diet, but usually only lasted a few days due to not being able to rid myself of the habit of turning to meat for food.  So, when I saw that Brooke and Emily were hosting a Meatless March challenge, I was in. 

Hubs was on board with no argument, thankfully.  He always wants to eat healthier, and since I’m the cook and he’s at my mercy, he was in on the challenge, too.  KidPilgrim was sort of in on it; there were certain meals that were too spicy for him, or that he didn’t care for, so I made sure he had other options if necessary. 

For the most part, I didn’t miss meat at all during the month. I did have one day where I caved and had a burger (it was a stressful day, and I “didn’t care” about my goals).  Otherwise, we ate plant-based — lots of lentils, beans, and greens.  By the end of the month, Hubs and I definitely noticed a big change in how we felt.  We were less fatigued, and our digestive systems were super happy.  For me, with my busted guts, this was a big, big deal!

We’ve decided to continue a plant-based diet.  Not quite vegan, but perhaps moving toward that gradually.  I do have some meat in the freezer that I’ll use up over the next month, but I don’t plan on buying more. 

I’m so grateful that I was a part of the challenge!

3.30.13 Weigh-In

I went back to Weight Watchers this morning.  Because I had last-minute Easter Bunny shopping to do, I didn’t stay for the meeting.  But I weighed in.

2.23.13 (last WW WI): 185

3.30.13: 186

Change: +1

Total: -15.2

Not bad.  I’ve been weighing in around 183-184 on my home scale, so 186 is about what  I expected since I’d be weighing in with clothes on. 

My family Easter dinner is today.  I’m having meat for the first time in weeks (I’ve been doing Meatless March, and will post on that tomorrow).  I’m going to enjoy myself in moderation.  There are certain items that I only have on holidays, and I certainly won’t deprive myself.

Goals for this week:

1. Track everything

2. Drink at least 72oz of water daily

3. Get back in my WW groove

Keeping it simple this week!