I’m having a great and bad day today. I won’t go into the melancholy that always arrives every year on this day, because I have nothing new to offer to the dialogue.
KidPilgrim is 2 1/2 years old now, and will be starting pre-school in the next year or so. For the most part, the only other kids he comes into contact with are his 8 year old cousins. He hasn’t had to share anything in his life, really, though that will change as his brother gets older. He doesn’t have to deal with large groups of kids, wait his turn, or anything like that. So, I signed him up for a few classes at the Little Gym.
Today was his first day of class. There were about 10 other kids there, ranging in age from 18 months to 2 1/2. The class is loosely structured to help children with fine motor skills as well as some larger-scope physical skills. There’s singing, running, jumping, and all sorts of fun things.
He was nervous when we arrived, which made me a little sad because I felt like I’d held him back from socializing the past few years. But he quickly adapted, and started playing along. He held my hand during the segments at first, but by the end, he was running with the other kids, laughing, and having fun. He didn’t talk to any of them, but I’m hoping that will come as he gets more used to them. He seemed like the oldest one in the class, and was certainly the tallest.
As I watched him running around, chasing bubbles and laughing, I was struck by how happy he was. How he was able to let go of my hand and play. And I realized that more and more now, he’s doing things on his own. I don’t need to carry him around anymore, or feed him. He’s growing up. I’m so proud of the smart, funny, kind little man he’s growing up to be. But at the same time, it makes me sad. He’s no longer my baby, and I have to re-navigate my role in his life. Though I’m sad, it’s a happy sad, mostly. And I’m looking forward to watching him grow up.
The next bit is a little embarrassing.
There were lots of mirrors in the facility. BIG MIRRORS. That, you know, reflected things, as mirrors do. I caught my reflection and was horrified. I looked huge. I looked like a grey raincloud (it was a t-shirt and workout capris day because I don’t have much that fits right now).
Now, I realize that I’m only 1 month post-partum, and that my body is still figuring itself out. But I just felt…horrible. I hated what I saw. Hated it. I couldn’t remember that I’d just had a baby, or that thanks to Weight Watchers, I’m on my way to getting my body back. None of that mattered.
After we left the Little Gym, I headed straight to a fast food place. KidPilgrim, great kid that he is, didn’t want anything because he wanted to have grapes at home. I, however, ordered two cheeseburgers, fries, and soda. I scarfed it all down as I drove. I did note that I could taste the sodium, and that the food, overall, tasted gross. But I kept eating. And then I stopped at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through and ordered 1/2 a dozen donuts. I ate 2 as soon as we got inside the house, again barely registering it all.
It wasn’t until I was finished that I considered what I did. All of that food a) didn’t make me feel better, and b) did nothing to help me move toward my goal. It was useless. All it did was make me feel worse about myself. I tracked it all (thank goodness for my Weekly Points Allowance), texted it to my pal, and I’m moving on.
I’ve made a new rule: I can only eat food that is purchased in a grocery store or at a farm stand. No more crap. Oh, and I also have to text my pal BEFORE I eat crap so that she actually has a chance to talk me down.
I also need to start re-framing these negative thoughts about myself. Honestly, I’ve come a LONG way from the way I used to be, when I loathed everything about me. I’m normally able to recognize that I am awesome in my own way, and to see the value of my body and its imperfections. I think today just hit me weird because I felt old. Most of the moms there were younger than me. I’ve been very aware lately that 40 is just 3 years away from me, and I’ve found myself feeling like I’ve wasted so much time in my life. But that’s another story, another post.
I’m going to spend the rest of the day enjoying my time with my boys, and being thankful that my body was able to play its part in their creation.
But if any of you have any great ideas on how to combat urges to eat crap, or binge, I’d love to hear them.