Insomnia, Worry, and Sadness…Oh, My!

It’s 2:23am. I managed to sleep for 3 hours tonight. It was a full three hours, full of dreams. When I woke up, I thought for sure that it would be 5am, but nope. 1:30am. My hips are killing me, and I’m nervous. So here I am, camped out in the living room, watching Dawson’s Creek (the episode where Dawson’s mom gives birth, ironically) and trying not to cry.

One of my niece and nephew’s classmates died last night. He was 8 years old, and had an aggressive brain cancer. He was seeking treatment in Germany, and he passed away at 9:30 last night. Just 5 hours ago.

8 year olds shouldn’t die. Honestly. I can’t imagine what his parents and family are going through. I can’t even process this right now. How does a parent say goodbye to their child?

How do I reconcile the fact that I’m blessed enough to be about to welcome my second child while there are people in the world who, for whatever reason, are never able to welcome their first? Why do I deserve to be so lucky?

OK, deep breath.

All I can do is be thankful for each moment. Tell my sons that I love them, and enjoy each moment I have with them. Even the not-so-wonderful moments when I’m frustrated that KidPilgrim can’t decide what DVD he wants to watch and changes his mind a billion times.

I went to the county fair with my sister and our kids yesterday. We were talking about something, I can’t remember what, and she said, “Before you had KidPilgrim…” I cut in and said, “back when I was happy?” (a joke, of course), and she said that she thinks I’m happier now that I’m a mom. I don’t know why, but it surprised me.

Since I became a mom, my life is filled with stress, worry (see above), angst over whether or not I’m doing the “right thing” (as if there’s every truly a right thing for everyone and everything), interspersed with moments of happiness. But she’s right. I’m happy. I’m not a perfect mother at all. But I love my son, and he loves me. And I do my best to do right by him, no matter what. And, I think, that’s all I can do.

OK, enough rambling. I’m going to do some grading while I’m awake. If I’m lucky, I’ll catch another hour or two of sleep toward dawn.

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About JessieB

Just a 30-something girl trying to figure it all out. I write about weight loss, books, motherhood, life, and whatever is on my mind.
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