I’m Still Here

I’ve thought about writing here more often, but when I sit down to write, the same thing comes out every time, and I’m sure it’s nothing folks want to read.  But, then, I’ve always said that folks should write for themselves, and if the audience doesn’t like it, tough.

I’m due in less than a month.  According to magazines, articles, blogs, etc., I should be nesting and excited.  The nursery should be done, names should be picked out, and I should be all smiles.

I’m not.  I’m nesting a little, and we’re prepared for the baby, but I’m not all smiles.  I’m full of heartburn to the point where I wake up (when I can sleep) with a mouthful of acid. It’s hard for me to walk for any decent distance.  When I get up from a sitting position, my hips are so jacked up that I have to just breathe for a minute before trying to move.  My maternity clothes are getting tight.  My wedding band is so tight that I need to stop wearing it.  My boobs, which were huge to begin with, are busting out of my bras. I have to pee every 15 minutes. My emotions are all over the place — I can go from hysterical tears to laughter in a nanosecond.  My moods are the same way, and I have no idea how my husband and Kid put up with me, let alone continue to love me.

In other words, I’m ready for this baby to arrive.  As I’ve written before, I am more terrified than excited about it, but I know that we’ll be fine.  I think it’s just not knowing how things are going to be (aside from the knowledge that things are changing in a HUGE way) that makes me uneasy.  I’m ready for the next phase of my life to begin.

In my last post, I wrote about my frustration and depression, and I want to thank everyone who reached out to me.  I did speak to my doctor about it soon after that.  She said that I could begin taking meds now, but I decided to wait until after the baby is born to see if I really need them.  I have been working every day to stay positive, and to push the frustration or negative thoughts away.  And, honestly, it’s getting easier.  I still have my moments, but they’re not as bad, and they don’t last as long.  I can deal with it for another month.

My main concern is how I’ll feel after the baby is born.  I’ve promised myself and Hubs that if I start to feel depressed/angry/whatever that I will reach out to my Dr and revisit going back on meds.

I also need to get better at asking for help and telling people what I need.  After The Kid was born, I tried to be Super Woman and do everything on my own, but that led to my getting very frustrated all of the time.  This time, I will be honest with people, and I will make sure that I have some time completely to myself every day, even if it’s just a 1/2 hour bubble bath with a book.  Once I’m ready, I’ll return to Weight Watchers and exercise, which I know will also help me stay in control and feel better.

So, I guess I’m just in a holding pattern right now.  And I will definitely try to be more present here.

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About JessieB

Just a 30-something girl trying to figure it all out. I write about weight loss, books, motherhood, life, and whatever is on my mind.
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3 Responses to I’m Still Here

  1. anna holler says:

    For what it’s worth, I really sympathize. I feel like I have been in your shoes before. Likely, every woman pregnant with her second child experiences that confusion. Just as C will go through a period of uncertainty, trying to decipher his new role in your family as someone other than “the baby,” you will learn the balancing act of the division of your attention. People are correct when they say that everything will fall into place. You are right to accept help. And I’m glad to hear that you are aware of your emotions and willing to accept medication if you feel that you need it. Please consider my suggestion of bringing a progesterone cream to the hospital with you. Western doctors scoff at it but holistic dr.’s swear by it and I know it has helped so many women with baby blues and ppd. The key is that you begin using it before your progesterone drops after giving birth.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are going to be amazed by how big your heart grows when you hold your new family member.

    And also, the third trimester is so uncomfortable!!!!!

    • Thank you for everything, Anna. I can’t tell you how much your understanding and feedback mean to me.

      I have a note to get some of the cream that you recommended, and will take it to the hospital with me. Looking back, I had post-partum depression with C, but I absolutely denied it. When I went to the Dr for my follow up visits, I told them what they wanted to hear instead of the truth. I felt like being depressed meant that I was a bad mother, and that just wasn’t the case at all. This time, I will be honest and do whatever I need to do to take care of myself. Even if that means meds for a while.

      I am nervous about how all of this will affect C, but I’m going into it expecting rough patches. He’s such a great kid, and I know he’ll grow into cherishing his role as a big brother. He has such a kind heart.

  2. anna holler says:

    I’m happy to hear that! All kids have a weird transition into becoming big brothers and sisters. Bunny was only 15 months old when Lila was born and I remember her being outraged that LIla couldn’t talk yet. She had never really seen a baby before and didn’t know what she was getting into.

    My big advice (coming from my own struggle) is to prepare yourself to not feel guilty. C has been your biggest priority for a long time now and you might feel that you’re betraying him when his needs take a backseat to a baby who is crying because he/she needs to eat or have a diaper changed or is begging to be held. Truth be told, a sibling is the best gift that you can give your child and the relationship that they develop will end up being more important to him than (likely) any other. Any time you feel upset or guilty, keep that in mind.

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