Friday Night Randomness

Sorry I’ve been so quiet lately.  I’ve felt like I have nothing to say.  In class today, a student told me the same thing, and I assured her that everyone has something to say; sometimes, you just have to start writing and see what comes out.  So, here I am.

I saw the Dr. this morning, and everything is going well.  I’m 13 weeks right now, and I think at my next appointment next month, we’ll be able to find out the gender of the baby.  Everyone is convinced that it’s a girl because I’m nauseous ALL THE TIME.  Seriously, I’ve been miserable.  But it’s worth it.

Other than that, there’s really nothing new going on.

[I just asked The Twitter what I should write about tonight.  Colleen said that I should write about her.  So, here you go.]

I’ve also been quiet on The Twitter and this blog because…I don’t feel like I have anything to contribute now that I’m all knocked up and getting fat.  Seriously.  I read people’s tweets and posts about dieting/getting healthy, and I don’t feel like I belong there.  It’s so frustrating, and sad.

The only way I know how to stay “on track” and eat healthy is by logging my food, thanks to my time on Weight Watchers.  That works for me.  I can write things down, assign PointsPlus values, and know that I’m OK.  When I got pregnant, I had to leave WW, and canceled my membership.  I tried to track calories using MyFitnessPal (an app that I also love), but I found that when I track, my brain wants to be in weight loss mode, which is unacceptable right now.  I tried to eat intuitively and healthy, but as an emotional eater with almost no self-control without my WW boundaries, that didn’t work either.  So, I floundered.

I’m not tracking my food, but I’m trying to make sure that I get in the fiber I need every day so that my guts stay healthy.  But I’m also eating stuff that I shouldn’t.  Brownies.  A lot of brownies.  I feel nauseous a lot, but in the moments when I feel OK, I crave sweets.  Some of the foods that I’ve always loved (like Mexican cuisine) make me gag now.  It’s frustrating.

Anyway.  Because I’m not tracking, not losing weight, not learning how to run, or do any of the healthy things I wanted to do this year, I’ve kind of just stood around and watched while everyone else moves on with their goals.  And that’s such a lonely feeling.  So often, I feel like I’m watching from the sidelines while everyone is on the merry-go-round.  I wait for an opportunity to jump on and join the fun, but I can’t move.  I’m stuck.  And part of me is jealous that I’m getting fatter while everyone else is getting healthier.

I adore all of the friends I’ve made on Twitter, and through this blog.  I’m so proud of everything that you’re doing. And I’m sorry if I’ve been too quiet lately.  I just don’t know what to say.

I know this isn’t going to last forever.  Once I have the baby in mid-August and recover, I’m heading back to Weight Watchers, and I’m going to FINALLY finish C25K.  Seriously.  I’ll hop on that damn merry-go-round, and laugh with the rest of you.

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About JessieB

Just a 30-something girl trying to figure it all out. I write about weight loss, books, motherhood, life, and whatever is on my mind.
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2 Responses to Friday Night Randomness

  1. I sometimes don’t want to throw any weight loss stuff at you because switching gears is hard. You’ve had “lose, lose, lose” in your head for so long it’s got to be hard to accept a gain.

    But you’re growing an amazing little person who, I know you know, is worth it. And think of the wonderful, healthy example you’ll set for Kid 1 AND Kid 2.

    Whether you’re in lose or gain mode I’ll always be your friend, and you can always say anything to me. Anything at all. Or nothing at all, depending on what you need. 🙂

  2. Laura says:

    I’m late on this post, so I have no idea if you still feel this way. But I just wanted to ask you to reframe your thoughts if you could. You HAVE to gain weight right now, or your baby will not develop. So instead of thinking of it as “getting fatter”, think of it as what it is – growing a baby.

    While I’m not pregnant and haven’t been, I can relate to this post. When I was placed on exercise restriction – I felt a lot like I was just watching all my friends succeed while I was stuck taking prescription drugs and going to PT sessions. I felt like I would never lose weight because I was stuck in this phase where it was impossible. “Great, another setback – I’ll never lose weight,” I said to myself every day.

    But after I started trying to see the good, I found something that worked for me. I let go of the emotional eating and focused on being positive. And to this day, being positive and re-working negative thoughts into positive ones has helped me not emotionally eat. It’s a battle every day, and some days I don’t win – but I always try my best.

    So just keep re-working those thoughts, take care of your body and your baby right now! Instead of focusing on what you can do later to be healthy, focus on what you can do now. There are definitely things that can be done!

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