At times like these, I should probably stay away from the computer. Or, at least, my blog. But I’m hoping that by writing, I’ll feel better.
I should be writing about the Shrinkvivor Challenge that started today. I should be writing down my exercise and weight loss goals. I’ve had a hint of my Weight Watchers mojo returning to me this week. I’m going back to meetings this weekend. I should be excited.
Instead, I’m sitting here trying not to cry. I’m trying to not freak out over biopsies I’m having done tomorrow on my boobs. It’s so silly. I shouldn’t be afraid.
I went for my mammogram yesterday. It wasn’t as horrible or painful as I thought it would be. It was a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable, but it was bearable. After the mammogram was finished, I had to wait to speak to the Dr. Instead, they came back and said that they needed to do an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, the technician asked me about my job, etc. and I knew she was just trying to distract me. I peeked at the screen once while she was typing, and I saw a dark mass. I didn’t allow myself to worry, though. Not even after the Dr. came back to tell me that they found three masses. She said that they were 95% sure that they were benign, and gave me the options of either a 6 month follow up, or biopsy. I chose the biopsy. I just want to know.
I wasn’t worried when I told my family and friends. I wasn’t even worried when I Googled biopsies and the 5% chance of breast cancer.
But, for some reason, at 9:33pm the night before my biopsies, I’m worried. Scared. Scared that, for whatever reason, my body is falling apart. Between the damn diverticulitis, and now this, I feel like I’ll never be healthy. And I know it’s a stupid way to think/feel. I never had health issues before I started losing weight. And now it seems that all I have are problems. I’m sure it’s all effects from being overweight for so long.
Here’s what I’m really afraid of. I’m afraid that I’ll die while my son is too young to remember me. The thought of it absolutely breaks my heart.
OK. *deep breath* So here’s my plan. I’m going to have the biopsy, and deal with whatever comes of it. I’ll have my colon resection in January. More importantly, from this moment on, I’m going to do whatever it takes to be healthy. Because I don’t want my son to lose his mother. So, mojo or not, I’m going back to Weight Watchers and I’m giving it 100%. I’m going to be as active as I can be. As soon as my guts are healed in the spring, I’m going to start running again.
No more excuses. I will only focus on my reason for getting healthy.