Watching The Wagon Pull Away

I should be prepping for my classes tomorrow, but I need to take a moment to write. I’m struggling.

And I don’t want to be.

I saw the Boob Doctor today. I know that’s a juvenile thing to call him, but it helps me. His office is at a cancer center, which was a sobering building to enter. I managed to remain calm until I found myself alone in the examination room, dressed in a flimsy gown. I tweeted while I waited, which helped, but I found myself regretting the billion times in my life when I wished that I could get rid of my boobs. I regretted all the times I lamented not being able to find a bra that flattered my super huge boobs. I was sure that karma was going to bite me in the ass, and that the Dr. would take one look at them and declare that I had cancer. Of course, that didn’t happen. He examined me, said that he felt something, but that it could just be a plain old lump. He wants me to have a mammogram (scheduled for next week), and then we’d know what we’re dealing with. He was optimistic. I pretended to be.

I left his office, and stopped at the grocery store to pick up taco fixings for dinner. My Mom (who was watching The Kid), requested her favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. I picked up my favorite Haagen-Dazs (chocolate peanut butter), as well as a chocolate muffin, and a glazed donut. I wanted to fill my basket with all sorts of sweets that I’d binge on when I got home. I shared the donut with The Kid when I got home. I haven’t touched the muffin or the ice cream. Yet.

I know it’s stupid. I know that food won’t help me not worry about my boobs, feel less overwhelmed about work and home stuff, or help me manage my time better. Eating junk won’t help me achieve my health goals. But I still want it. I also want to be healthy. I feel like I lost the girl I was back in August, before my guts busted. She was confident (mostly), looked forward to exercising, and tracked every bite she took. She faltered a little, but she got right back up and got back on that Weight Watchers Wagon.

I miss her.

I know exactly what I need to do to find her again. I need to plan my food, track everything, and move my ass. Simple, right? For some reason, I can’t bring myself to do it. And that kind of scares me. Because I’ve been at this point before, and I’ve given up. I don’t want to.

I know that I’m trying to be superwoman, and that I can’t do everything. I know that I’m stressed, and overwhelmed, and that I have the power to make it all better. I can’t do anything about my schedule because I’m locked in through December. All I can do is hang in there, and do the best I can. I know that I have to be kind to myself.

I hate to post this whine, but I’ll put it out there. Maybe being embarrassed about it will help me get back on track.

I hope so.

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About JessieB

Just a 30-something girl trying to figure it all out. I write about weight loss, books, motherhood, life, and whatever is on my mind.
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5 Responses to Watching The Wagon Pull Away

  1. ROBIN says:

    did you plan time out with your friends? Find time for yourself? Plan something fun? Take a little time for yourself, doing something you enjoy. and yes, you must take care of yourself. Take your mind off everything for just a bit, especially for the next few days. I know the uncertainty of things can be overwhelming, and it’s not something you should sit and think about every second of every day….that can be unhealthy. Just hang in there…. and turn to your friends and family for support.
    xo

  2. As humans we crave comfort in stressful situations. Our minds try to deal with things in the way they know best, and in our case it’s usually with food. Our conscious mind tells us it’s totally irrational but we’ve conditioned ourselves so deeply do turn to food that breaking that chain is going to be difficult and take a lot of work.

    The easiest way to get back on the wagon is to walk behind it for a while. Then get a little faster and walk beside it until you feel confident enough to jump back on and take control of it. The walking behind it starts today with the tracking we talked about – FOR BOTH OF US.

  3. Amy says:

    I know what you’re going through. I see a boob doc today. I developed an issue yesterday and when I called and told the nurse to see if its bad, she said “oh no… We need to see you right away”. Well that didn’t make me feel any better. So i’m nervous and slightly scared. My dad is battling cancer himself… And I just don’t know if I can fight for both of us. Anyway, when I get stressed li ke this I google and google. I have read several doctors, mainly foreign because american doctors are too scared to admit anything, that think that sugar feeds cancer cells and a fungus that causes the cancer. Interesting theory. One doctor says to switch to an all raw diet right away and cut out all sugar. That alone won’t cure cancer, but it will help to contain and prevent it from growing. food for thought at least. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that your boob issue is nothing. ((hugs))

  4. Oh honey, I agree with a previous poster that you have a lot to deal with and its overwhelming! You are worried about your guts, worried about your boobs and while you have the right to worry, it wears down on you! With all that going on, it is hard to focus, but this is the time when your body really needs you to take care of it. Take those walks, bring friends along, take some time to escape..how about a 30 minute massage or a yoga class? Be easy on yourself. You will get through.

  5. ragemichelle says:

    I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. This Summer has been terrible for me. I did so well for the past year and then I got hit with a ton of very stressful situations, so I dealt with them by eating crap I shouldn’t eat and not exercising.

    What did that get me? Well..I gained 15 lbs and I feel like crap.

    I hope you find your way. I’m looking for mine as well. You’re not alone.

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