Lost (Not the TV Show…I Think)

I’m not having a good day.  OK, honestly, I’m not having a good month.  I’ve tried to pull myself out of this funk, but it seems that I have an Eeyore cloud over my head.  I want it to go away.  I want to be the girl I was this summer — confident, active, and on her way toward meeting her goals.

I haven’t seen her since August 8th, the day my guts busted again.

Today was one of those days when I wanted to just get in the car and drive to the beach, or anywhere, and play pinball.  All day.  Screw my responsibilities and life.  I just want to use my crazy flipper fingers to play some (damn good) pinball.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays this semester, I’m on campus (between 2 campuses, really) from 10-3:15.  I need to leave the house by 9:30 LATEST.  In the morning, my routine includes feeding The Kid, and getting him ready for his day.  I also have to shower.  No matter how much I try to prepare (packing lunch the night before, packing my work totes), I always fall behind.  This morning, I didn’t have time to shower.  Thankfully, I wasn’t smelly at all, and still looked presentable.  When I picked up my work totes, I noticed some dampness on the bottoms of them.  Cat pee.  Ugh.  One of my cats is peeing in odd places, and I can’t figure out who it is.  So, I had to throw my stuff in new bags and leave.

When I got to class, I pulled out my pencil case, which was wet with pee.  So damn disgusting, but I didn’t want students to figure out something was up.  So, I taught, dazzling them with my brilliance.

When class was over, I bolted to my car, arranged my lunch on the passenger seat, and started the 1/2 hour drive to Campus #2.  On the way, I ate my lunch and thought about how much I wanted to play pinball.  Or just escape for a day.

Midway through my commute, I passed the high school I went to.  Students were on the track, running.  Well, some of them were.  Some of them were walking, and struggling to do even that.  I slowed down a little to watch them.  Even though it’s been 18 years since high school, I can still feel that humiliation from having to walk instead of run.

I feel a bit humiliated now that I have to walk instead of continuing on with C25K.  I know that the specialist cleared me, but I’m too nervous to do anything that jostles my guts.  I can’t afford to have surgery until January, so I’m not doing anything to risk having an attack.

Anyway, I continued my drive, feeling even more sorry for myself.  I thought about how I’m struggling with motherhood, my career, my marriage, life…how do I balance it all?  The Kid was born 18 months ago, and I still haven’t figured it out.  I’m still overwhelmed.

I make plan after plan, trying to organize my life and pull myself out of this funk, but I have no follow-through.  Since the semester started last month, I’ve been tired all the time.  In my “free” time at night, I have to prep and grade.  It’s only going to get worse as the semester goes on.

I’m thinking about not teaching anymore, even though I love it (though I haven’t quite felt it lately) and I’m pretty darn good at it.  But I don’t know what else I’d do.  I’m not going back to corporate world, and I can’t work full time until The Kid is in school.

I’m just lost.  And I hate it.  I’ve been hibernating a little because I don’t want my friends to have to deal with this funk.  And, honestly, I feel stupid.  I have a good life.  I truly do.  I have nothing to complain about.

I shouldn’t even post this.  But I will.

What do you do when you’re lost or overwhelmed?

 

Advertisements

About JessieB

Just a 30-something girl trying to figure it all out. I write about weight loss, books, motherhood, life, and whatever is on my mind.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Lost (Not the TV Show…I Think)

  1. ROBIN says:

    Hmmm…. maybe for different reasons, but I am also experiencing a “funk” right now… funny you use that word, because I just used it today to explain how I feel. You sound a lot like me, but as i said…different reasons. when i feel lost or overwhelmed? Still working on that one….but trying reallllll hard.
    I hate how you are feeling…..it’s horrible. but i do hope you stick with your job. You say you love it and are good at it. Just hang in there. Sometimes, my job seems to be all I have that is good, so I cherish that part of my life.
    Try to get out and do something for yourself. Just you. or you and some friends. Get away from things for a day….Revamp. Pamper yourself. Laugh. Have fun.
    Hoping things get better for you…. XO

  2. Laura says:

    Honestly, you have to let something go.Whatever it is that you can, let it go. Give up the guilt trips you are giving yourself and just realize that you can’t do it all. Something right now has to have less attention and maybe that’s your exercise? Maybe it’s as simple as putting your bags in the car the night before. Maybe it’s asking your husband to feed the Kid some mornings. Maybe it’s something completely different.

    But until you let go of the pressure of being the “perfect” mom, teacher, wife, etc – you’ll never feel less overwhelmed.

    I definitely go through periods like this (I’m in a major one right now) but you just have to keep pushing, do what you can each day and go to bed each night letting go of the pressure and the negative self talk and just know that you are doing all that you can right now.

    Good luck!

  3. Alisa says:

    Oh, the funk. It comes sometimes when it’s not at all welcome, but it can be a catalyst for change that might not have otherwise occurred if things were cruising smoothly.

    You’re worried about not having it under control after 18 months? Don’t worry about that. Just when you think you have The Kid figured out, something changes. Roll with it as much as you can. Really. We’re five years in and what worked at 18m doesn’t apply today. The Kid will get cooler and more interesting. The cats, on the other hand, will remain cats and will therefore be a mystery for all time. 🙂

    If you’re not comfortable or confident, don’t run. I broke my foot last year and it took a long time to get back to running, even after official MD-clearance. At first I felt like a slacker for not running, but then I realized that nobody thought less of me for walking… nobody but me, anyway. I also realized that I’d much, much rather be out there walking than not doing anything at all.

    You’re doing fine. Really. We all have those days.

  4. Maura says:

    My answer is short, simple, but true: I cry. It’s a good release.

    Keep your chin up. Work hard to try and find that “you” time, it’s so necessary to happiness!

  5. There are some days when all I want to do is lock myself in the bathroom and shave my head and scream. Alisa’s right. Just when you feel a little even with the parenting thing, they totally change on you. Your son is in a really tough spot. He’s getting more verbal all the time but still can’t quite communicate as effectively as he’d like. Every new stage brings a new challenge and a new adventure.

    I always say, you just have to ride the funk out, try your very best to get out of it and stay positive, but ride it out. Sometimes a funk shows us exactly what we DO have to work with.

    I believe in you, Thelma!

  6. I think that you are feeling in a funk because you can’t get the endorphins that you’re used to from exercising. I really do think that’s the main reason. You are probably prone to mild depression or anxiety, but you usually fight those feelings of hopelessness with endorphins, and you can’t right now. The fact you are feeling lost, funky and hopeless makes everything else seem sad, difficult, and hard to deal with, too.

    I’m a super outgoing, happy, talkative person, but anxiety got the best of me and I saw a doc about it….I think maybe you should do the depression/anxiety checklist and see what your score is.

    I know you are fearful of running, so don’t do it…if something feels wrong, even if you were cleared by your doctor, then its wrong.

    I also like the comments previously posted about not taking on so much, it sounds like you do almost everything….could you get up a little earlier in the morning, have the hubs ready the kiddo and you can go on a walk or something? Or have hubs feed the kiddo dinner or put him to bed and you can go on a walk in the evening..you definitely need some *you* time.

    I really liked your last post about 20 Days of Awesome…it kind of reminds me of the old WW saying “fake it til you make it”…just do the program, even if its pissing you off or you don’t want to, if you do it, you will lose weight, and then it’ll make you happier and the program will be doable again and you’ll like it, and you’ll have “made it”!

    Try this checklist to see if you have any of the depression symptoms. http://www.youthbeyondblue.com/depression-and-anxiety/depression-checklist/

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s