I’m not having a good day. OK, honestly, I’m not having a good month. I’ve tried to pull myself out of this funk, but it seems that I have an Eeyore cloud over my head. I want it to go away. I want to be the girl I was this summer — confident, active, and on her way toward meeting her goals.
I haven’t seen her since August 8th, the day my guts busted again.
Today was one of those days when I wanted to just get in the car and drive to the beach, or anywhere, and play pinball. All day. Screw my responsibilities and life. I just want to use my crazy flipper fingers to play some (damn good) pinball.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays this semester, I’m on campus (between 2 campuses, really) from 10-3:15. I need to leave the house by 9:30 LATEST. In the morning, my routine includes feeding The Kid, and getting him ready for his day. I also have to shower. No matter how much I try to prepare (packing lunch the night before, packing my work totes), I always fall behind. This morning, I didn’t have time to shower. Thankfully, I wasn’t smelly at all, and still looked presentable. When I picked up my work totes, I noticed some dampness on the bottoms of them. Cat pee. Ugh. One of my cats is peeing in odd places, and I can’t figure out who it is. So, I had to throw my stuff in new bags and leave.
When I got to class, I pulled out my pencil case, which was wet with pee. So damn disgusting, but I didn’t want students to figure out something was up. So, I taught, dazzling them with my brilliance.
When class was over, I bolted to my car, arranged my lunch on the passenger seat, and started the 1/2 hour drive to Campus #2. On the way, I ate my lunch and thought about how much I wanted to play pinball. Or just escape for a day.
Midway through my commute, I passed the high school I went to. Students were on the track, running. Well, some of them were. Some of them were walking, and struggling to do even that. I slowed down a little to watch them. Even though it’s been 18 years since high school, I can still feel that humiliation from having to walk instead of run.
I feel a bit humiliated now that I have to walk instead of continuing on with C25K. I know that the specialist cleared me, but I’m too nervous to do anything that jostles my guts. I can’t afford to have surgery until January, so I’m not doing anything to risk having an attack.
Anyway, I continued my drive, feeling even more sorry for myself. I thought about how I’m struggling with motherhood, my career, my marriage, life…how do I balance it all? The Kid was born 18 months ago, and I still haven’t figured it out. I’m still overwhelmed.
I make plan after plan, trying to organize my life and pull myself out of this funk, but I have no follow-through. Since the semester started last month, I’ve been tired all the time. In my “free” time at night, I have to prep and grade. It’s only going to get worse as the semester goes on.
I’m thinking about not teaching anymore, even though I love it (though I haven’t quite felt it lately) and I’m pretty darn good at it. But I don’t know what else I’d do. I’m not going back to corporate world, and I can’t work full time until The Kid is in school.
I’m just lost. And I hate it. I’ve been hibernating a little because I don’t want my friends to have to deal with this funk. And, honestly, I feel stupid. I have a good life. I truly do. I have nothing to complain about.
I shouldn’t even post this. But I will.
What do you do when you’re lost or overwhelmed?