How Are You?

First, let me apologize for not posting more often.  Even though it’s summer, and I’m off (aside from teaching one summer class), I just don’t get much computer time because of The Kid.  Most of my online access is via my phone, and I’m just not into phone blogging.

I was a bit restless late this afternoon, so I took The Kid to the mall to walk around.  I need new flip-flops, and wanted to get a sugar scrub for my super dry legs.  I was looking at the clearance racks at The Gap, when I ran into my former therapist.  I haven’t seen her since Fall 2009, when I was pregnant with The Kid.  At that time, I was pretty in control of things, was finally off antidepressants, and was just all around in a good place.

After we hugged, she asked, “How are you?” and I felt myself wanting to cry.  It took me by surprise, and, thankfully, I didn’t let loose with the waterworks in public.  I told her that motherhood has been a challenge, and that she was right when she advised me that marital satisfaction decreases with the birth of a child.

I walked away from her wondering why a simple “how are you?” affected me so much.  I realized that it’s rare for anyone (aside from my Twitter pals) to ask me how I am.  Folks always ask after The Kid, not me.  Which is fine, and it’s probably what I do to other parents.

I have to be honest, folks — the past month has sucked.  Here’s why:

1. I haven’t made any progress on my weight loss.  None.  Zero.  It’s so frustrating, and it’s my own fault.  I’ve been back in “fat girl” mode, not tracking as much, and eating whatever I want.

2. I rarely have time to myself.  I’m almost always on Kid Duty.  Which is, I know, my job considering I’m his mother, but I would like an occasional break that doesn’t involve grocery shopping or some sort of chore.

3. There has been a definite decrease in marital satisfaction in the past year or so.  Don’t get me wrong — I love The Hubs.  But because I’m always on Kid Duty, I get angry at him when he gets to leave the house, or play a gig that I can’t attend, whatever.  I’ve been such a bitch to him lately, and I hate it.

Yeah, so there’s been a part of me that’s been wallowing.  Not good.  So, here’s some good stuff:

1. Even though I haven’t made any progress on the scale, I’ve been exercising.  Even attempting to run.  Yes, the girl who snarkily commented that she’d only run if she were being chased actually wants to learn how to run.  I walk at least 3 miles several times per week.  I’m actually tan for the first time in YEARS because I’m spending time outside.

2. I walked my first 5K last weekend.  Seriously.  I was slower than I would have liked (my ankles were killing me), but I finished! My next one is on August 27th, and I’m hoping to run at least part of it.

3. I’m lucky. Seriously.  Despite my bitching about my life, I am very lucky. I have a job that I love. I have a home, food on the table, clothes, a car, a man who I love, and the best Kid in the world.  I have everything that I ever wanted (aside from a book deal).

I have some (online) teaching to do, so I need to wrap this up.  I promise — the next post will be full of sunshine and unicorns.  No more wallowing!

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About JessieB

Just a 30-something girl trying to figure it all out. I write about weight loss, books, motherhood, life, and whatever is on my mind.
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4 Responses to How Are You?

  1. Life isn’t all flowers and sausages all the time. I get what you’re saying about pretty much everything. Being married without kids? A piece of cake. Being married with kids is much more of a challenge because there’s such a division of duty there for sure. Mom is the caretaker, the one who makes it better, the one who usually does the “work work” when it comes to kids. Traditionally, the dad is the one who gets to play with the kids and be the fun one and blah blah blah. At least that’s how it feels here sometimes. Every now and again I have to say, “Hey! Guess what? I need some time to myself. AWAY FROM THIS HOUSE.” We’re homebodies and my husband could spend 24/7 in the house but I’m just not that way. Now and again I have to get the hell out.

    There’s a part of me that hates myself for ever thinking about wanting to get away because aren’t moms always supposed to want to spend every waking minute with their children? To be their teachers and life coaches? Yes. there is a part of me that wants all that. But there’s another small part that knows for me to be the best mother I can be to my daughters, I have to not see their faces for at least 3 hours each month (and, preferably while I pee….though that doesn’t always happen).

    You say you’re in fat girl mode, but YOU ARE NOT A FAT GIRL. I’ve seen pictures of you, Miss Thing. You are not fat. Your legs do not look like tree trunks. They look like legs, so says someone who knows about such things. So what you have some more weight to lose. Most all of us do. The only place you’re truly fat is in your brain. Just because you “did what you used to do” today doesn’t mean that has to dictate your life.

    Take a break now and then. Your son will have a refreshed mother and you will look at your child with fresh eyes. TAKE HELP THAT’S OFFERED TO YOU! People offer because they love you!

    • Sorry for the late reply.

      I know. You’re totally right. But sometimes I WANT life to be all flowers and sausages (with peppers and onions, please!). But I’ll try to stop whining.

      You’re right — I am totally fat in my brain! I need to change that. And I will.

  2. I have so been there myself! I remember what it’s like to be a new mommy — it’s rough! And when you have so many things on your plate and trying to be the best at everything, it becomes so overwhelming! Take time for yourself, take time with your husband. It makes all the difference in the world. I can’t wait to hear more about your journey!

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