I’m Such A Rebel

I always tell my students to write with a purpose.  It’s all well and good to sit down to a blank screen (or piece of paper, if that’s how you roll) and start writing to explore, but those things should never be made public.  An audience wants you to have a focus, a purpose.

I have no purpose right now.  At least, none that I know of.  I’ve just had an itch to write, and I’m not quite sure why I’m choosing to do it in blog format.  Please forgive me for rebelling against my own rules.

I have a lot on  my mind.

I feel old.:I’m turning…okay, 36, in a few weeks.  Normally, I LOVE my birthday.  I’m the annoying person who starts reminding people of the impending birthday at least a month in advance.  It’s not about the presents for me (though, for the record, I like music, books (for the nook, please), and anything from the King Arthur catalog).  I just love having a day that’s celebrating my birth.  I’m lucky that it’s during the summer, and we can enjoy the county fair (one of my favorite things ever), the beach, concerts, etc.  And ice cream cake.  Oh, the ice cream cake!

But this year, as I turn a number that is closer to 40 than 30, I’m not that excited.  I feel like I’m still in my 20’s, not someone who needs to seriously start thinking about what will happen when she retires.  Maybe it’s because I’m a mother now, and I no longer have the luxury of being self-indulgent.  Maybe it’s because now I have someone else to consider and worry about.

Part of it, though, is that I wonder if I made the right choices.  This is new for me.  I’ve never been one to regret anything.  I’ve made lots of mistakes, but I was always ok with them because they led me to this life.  But now I’m becoming acutely aware that there are things I’ll never be able to experience again, and that I really do have to live with things I’ve chosen.

Maybe it’s just that I feel like I wasted my time.  My 20’s were spent working and going to college.  I rarely traveled.  I didn’t date because my husband and I have been together since I was 21.  I didn’t focus on my health at all, which is something I really regret.  I used to have time to go to the gym.  I even worked with a personal trainer for a while, but I didn’t take it seriously.

But, I recognize that there’s nothing I can do aside from letting it go, and moving on.  Which is what I’m going to do.

I’m thinking of unplugging: In my old age, I’ve also wanted to simplify more and more.  I spend way too much time on the computer, or on my phone (it’s easier to use when I’m on Kid duty).  I love the people I’ve met on Twitter and online (WBS Chat from the 90’s!), but I wonder what it would be like to have more time unplugged.  I can’t do it completely because of my job, but I’m considering deleting Facebook (because, really, is it productive for me to be “friends” with people who didn’t even speak to me in high school?) and cutting down on Twitter.  And, I’m also considering deleting this blog.  Maybe.

Well, this has turned into a bummer of a post, hasn’t it?  That’s what happens when I ramble!

So, let me end this on something positive, which may seem to contradict what I’ve written above.

I love my life.  I have everything I ever wanted.  I married the love of my life (go ahead and gag, but it’s true), I have a wonderful son, a job I love, and a family that I adore.  Life is good.



About JessieB

Just a 30-something girl trying to figure it all out. I write about weight loss, books, motherhood, life, and whatever is on my mind.
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3 Responses to I’m Such A Rebel

  1. runtezza says:

    Happy Birthday! If that was your last post, it was fun reading it. I firmly believe the best is yet to come, and I’m 53 young’un!

  2. Sabrina says:

    You are not old!! Stop it! Although I did have a freak out moment when I turned 26 a few weeks ago. Where ever your life may take you, I am sure great things will follow.

  3. Maura says:

    Blogs are for babbling and rambling…ramble on, friend. I hear you on the disconnecting – I’ve been trying to read more and have been loving it. But I know the blog for me is therapeutic, a way to vent/release good and bad feelings. I get that it attaches you to the computer, but it could be good for the soul too to have an outlet.

    You’ll make the right decision, either way.

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