I’ve been contemplating giving up blogging. I used to write constantly, but have (obviously) fallen out of that habit over the last year or so. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say; it’s just that, I think, I have too much to say and not enough time. I’m often drafting posts or poems in my head, but with The Kid, I never have time to sit and write. If I’m on the computer, it’s to do work and rarely for anything fun.
I’m also not sure what the purpose of blogging is for me anymore. I used to vent about life, or write about books, school, or whatever I wanted. But now I feel pressure (from myself, really) to have a focus. To write in a way to attract readers. So instead of doing just that, I’ve been frozen, which is not a good thing.
My life is changing so much right now. Between motherhood and this weight loss journey, I’m also feeling a huge sense of…you know, I don’t know how to describe it. At times, it feels like a sense of purpose, mostly when I’m in Mom Mode. Other times, it’s a sense of being directionless; of still, at age 35, not knowing what I want to do with my life. I want to write about all of these things, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to acknowledge what’s going on.
At a poetry workshop I attended a few years ago, Mark Doty said that when he wants to walk away from the computer to do menial tasks and avoid writing is when he most needs to force himself to sit and write. To force himself to give voice to those things of which he’s afraid, or doesn’t want to acknowledge. That’s the situation I’m in, I think.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do right now. But for those of you who’ve stopped by for a bit to read and comment over the years, thank you.