Ummmm….hi. Sorry I’ve been away for so long. I’ve been hiding.
I’ve been avoiding writing for the past three months. I tend to do that when I’m going through a rough patch. Not smart, but that’s just how I roll.
My son was born on March 12th, and my life is so…different. I thought I had an idea of what motherhood would be like, but I didn’t. Not at all. The only part I was right about, I think, was that there would be a baby involved. I didn’t know how draining it could be. Or how I could love someone so much that when they smile at me, it feels like my heart will explode with happiness.
Things have certainly eased up a bit compared to the way it was right after his birth. The first two weeks, I slept maybe 2-3 hours per day, didn’t eat, and at times felt like I was losing my mind. We’ve settled into a routine(ish) now, and I’m a little more relaxed. A little. I’m constantly on “high alert,” waiting for him to need something. My body almost buzzes waiting for whatever he needs next.
I’m teaching online, which is helpful, but my heart just isn’t in it anymore. It just doesn’t seem important in the grand scheme of things. More on that later.
The biggest struggle is losing the ability to do what I want when I want. Leaving the house is a production — extra clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles — and I feel like a pack mule. There are things I want to do that I just can’t do with him. Like go strawberry picking. So, I have to arrange for a sitter (my sister), but I hate feeling like I’m imposing on other people’s lives. There have been moments when I’ve felt chained, trapped, and have been angry that I can’t do what I want. It gets frustrating at times that things have to be planned around him. I have to wait until he’s napping to do anything. And he doesn’t like to nap during the day, so that adds to the frustration. It’s not like I want to do anything big — it’s usually that I just want to bake something or work outside. I’m trying not to be so selfish.
My family is wonderful and helps out a lot, and they seem to really enjoy spending time with him. But I hate asking people for help. But I guess I should get used to it.
Now, despite all of the frustration, there are moments when I can’t imagine not having him in my life. When I can’t imagine not being a mother. He smiles at me, and it is the most amazing feeling I’ve ever experienced. He’ll hold my finger as we cuddle and nap, and there’s no other place I’d rather be. I’m scared and excited about our life together. He is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.