Don’t Feed Me

I used to be a fan of MTV’s show “Jackass.”  Please, don’t judge, but I thought it was funny as hell.  Stupid humor, but it made me laugh.  Bam Margera ended up with his own show, and his father Phil was a featured “character.” Phil was morbidly obese, and always the butt of jokes.  In one episode, Phil is challenged to not eat for 24 hours. Bam told everyone not to feed Phil, even telling Phil’s favorite eateries not to serve him.  He also put up signs:

Image

Lately, I’ve felt like making a similar sign with my face, and distributing it everywhere in town. 

I can’t stop eating. 

During my worst eating phase, about 10 years ago, I worked mostly alone (my boss was there maybe 2-3 hours per week) in an office.  My days were filled with food to combat the loneliness.  I’d eat small ice cream cakes, order enough food for 5 people and eat it all myself…it was bad.  I was embarrassed when I ordered the food, but instead of letting that stop me, I’d write my order down on a list, to make it seem more authentic that I was ordering for more than myself. 

Once I left that office environment, my eating calmed down, and my binges were further and further apart until I just didn’t do it anymore.  I didn’t go right to eating healthy, but I was on my way. 

Lately, I’ve been eating more and more like that girl in the office.  Muffins, donuts, candy, ice cream, portions big enough for 2-3 people.  I’ve even starting hiding my eating from my kids because a) I’m eating food I don’t want them to have, and b) I’m ashamed of how much I’m eating.  I’m lucky that KidPilgrim will choose fruit over a cookie, and I don’t want to change that. 

I’ve tried everything I can think of.  I’ve planned out my meals ahead of time, stocked my kitchen with healthy foods, let Hubs know what my eating plan is so that he can “check” on me, texted friends when I feel the urge to derail, tried Weight Watchers, tried MyFitnessPal, tried moderation, tried quitting sugar cold turkey.  I’m still struggling.

I’m aware that every bit of food I put in my mouth is a conscious choice.  I’m aware that I’m eating to cover up feelings.  My life isn’t horrible by any means.  Honestly.  But I do get bored, or stressed, or frustrated, especially when I’m alone with the kids.  Instead of yelling, I eat.  Instead of allowing myself to just be bored or frustrated, I eat.  And eat. And eat. My problem time is the afternoon.  I try to keep myself busy, but most days that doesn’t work. 

I know that I’m the only person who can change this. 

On Sunday, I sat down and planned out my meals for the week.  My goal was to eat clean, vegetarian, and to cut out the sugar (not completely, but eat healthier sugar like fruit).  Monday was ok.  Not perfect, but ok. Today, I went to the store to pick up some things, and found myself standing in front of the muffin display.  I chose three muffins.  Because, you know, one just isn’t enough.  I just ate one of them.  It was too sweet, delicious, and I feel gross now.  But I keep thinking about the other two muffins that are waiting for me. 

And I seriously just want to cry.  Because this isn’t what I want for myself.  I should treat myself better than this. 

A year ago, I was 8 months pregnant, and couldn’t wait to get back to Weight Watchers.  I had plans to start running, and to run a half marathon this year.  This was supposed to be the year I finally reached my goal weight. 

I’m nowhere near any of those goals. 

I have no idea what to do, and that scares me.  What if I can’t stop? What if I gain weight back? What if I never live a day as a healthy adult? What if my kids develop these same eating habits?  What if I never run?  What if I don’t live to see my kids grow up?

I need help.

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About justapilgrimsoul

Just a 30-something girl trying to figure it all out. I write about weight loss, books, motherhood, life, and whatever is on my mind.
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6 Responses to Don’t Feed Me

  1. Kari says:

    I have no answers, but want you to know that you are not alone. Food is everywhere. Temptation is around every.single.corner. Reaching out is a great first step.

  2. Susan says:

    :( I wish I had some magic answer that makes all this easier. Have you tried talking to a food therapist to help you figure some of this out? I’ve learned I don’t eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m stressed. So knowing that trigger has allowed me to have food ready thats within plan and forgiveness ready for food not in plan, when I know I’m going to need it. I have a journal I keep next to my bed to jot down the regrets I had through the day. Once I write them, they’re done. Tomorrow is a new day, I get to start fresh.

    There are a lot of “maybe’s” in your situation, just like you have a lot of “what ifs”. Maybe you’re going off track because you’re trying to force too much on yourself at once. Cutting out processed sugar is HARD. some people can do it and be done. I sure as hell couldn’t. I still have candy and chocolate – but 90% of the time I don’t. Maybe you need to focus on one healthy change at a time, and fully dedicate to it. Maybe you need someone to tell you no, and not let you go grocery shopping alone so you can’t buy the food to get it out of your system. Maybe you need to work on finding substitutions. You can still have a muffin, look up some awesome recipes and put your own healthy spin on one. Maybe you need to learn to forgive yourself, realize that it’s not the end all when you screw up, and move on.

    Whatever your maybe is, you’ll find it, and you’ll figure it out. You will find healthiness and happiness. You will gain weight at some point, you will also lose weight. It’s the struggle. There are a lot of options and being 100% honest about the why and journaling everything you do/eat/feel will help you figure it out.

  3. katyhancock says:

    You sound just like me. I don’t know what to do about it either, but I just go on pretending that everything is alright and planning meals and eating healthy when I’m conscious of it. I just hope that the “fake it til you make it” thing will start to kick in.

    I tend to go through cycles of eating like that and then cycles of dedication to fitness and nutrition, all I can do is wait out this cycle and hope it’s nothing I can’t come back from.

    You’re not alone, and we can make it.

  4. bitsofbeckyBecky Martinez says:

    I could not have written this post better myself! My first year I was at WW, Feb ~ Dec 2011, I lost 83 pounds. I am married, have a 9 year old and a 16 year old, and we live with my parents. Originally we moved in with my parents because we lost our home in 2008 when the economy began to take a dive. My parents are older and even before we moved in they need our help. In January of 2012, my dad had a stroke. I struggled losing and gaining the same 10 pounds until June when my mom stopped driving. I gained another 10 pounds trying to balance my time between my kids, hubby, and parents. As time has gone on, my parents’ health has gotten a bit worse and the responsibilities and my stress levels are seemingly increasing on a daily basis. I hurt my arm last year, and then my achilles and wrist this year. I have not been able to exercise in a good 3 month and really miss it as it was my #1 stress reliever. I just took my walking boot off two days ago and am going to give it a week before I start easing back into exercise. In the last 3 months I have gained almost another 10 pounds. My biggest struggle is eating too much for sure. I love to exercise, but since I haven’t been able to in so long, I have filled that gap by filling my mouth with foods that I haven’t eaten in a very long time, or when I did I weighed and measured them so they were accounted for and I could still lose weight. I am not sure how to motivate myslef to be as consistant as I once was, but I will keep getting back on the wagon everytime I fall off. Even if I only do well for one meal, a small success is better than none at all! I am now the full time caregiver for both of parents, could not qualify for a programs that offers financial assistance for it, and am doing the best I can to keep my head above water. I know I need to take care of myself so I can continue to take care of everyone else, but somedays that is much easier said than done! Whatever you do, don’t give up on you! If it takes 10 years to reach our weight loss goals, then so be it…better to get to there late than not at all! :)

  5. Dacia says:

    Jessie- I love you. I wish I had the answers. I don’t. Only you do. And you know that. But it’s hard. It really is. All I can say is try to reflect back on this post often. Think about the boys, your goals, all the things you mentioned above that you want out of life. Use them to help move you in the right direction.
    And then go throw those muffins away. You’re good. You had one already :)

  6. I have no answers either, I so wish I did, but I do not. Will you consider therapy? What don’t you like about yourself that leads to mistreating yourself and your body this way? Do you consider yourself unworthy of being fit and healthy? You’re a lovely, sweet lady, and it hurts my heart to hear this.

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