Forgive me if this post is a bit jumbled. I have a lot to write, and I can’t guarantee that it’ll make sense.
I am not happy….with anything, really. I’ve been depressed for months. Not depressed to the point where I can’t function, thankfully, but depressed to the point where I’m just not fun to be around. I don’t smile or laugh much. I yell too much. I don’t want to be this way.
Let me break it down…
- Work: I am frustrated with work. I am so, so tired of being an adjunct. While there have been benefits to teaching at multiple colleges (exposure to different philosophies, technology, students, professional development, etc), I’m tired of it. I hate having to drive so much. I hate having different bags for each school. I hate not having an office, or even a desk (though I did luck out and get to share a real office at one campus this spring, and it was fantastic) or file cabinet. I hate that most of my work is done at home, and that it interferes with my family. I hate that despite working my ass off, I barely break $20K per year. I understand that I chose to teach and leave corporate life (where I had my own office, a real salary, and benefits), but I didn’t think I’d still be part-time after 7+ years. Full-time teaching gigs are rare in these parts. I don’t know how much longer I can do this financially or mentally.
- Kids: I love my kids. I really do. But I find myself getting frustrated at the littlest things. I find myself not wanting to cuddle or play. I’ve been yelling too much instead of just listening and showing compassion. That’s not the kind of mom I want to be.
- Marriage: My therapist warned me years ago that marital satisfaction declines with each child. I didn’t believe her. But, oh boy, was she right! Hubs and I are in constant parent mode, and rarely have time alone together. We’re disconnected, and I hate it.
- Food: Seriously. I’m so tired of thinking about weight loss. I’ve been maintaining since February, but I need to get my ass in gear and do something. I don’t know what the answer is.
- Personal: I want to write. I want to garden. I want to make food from scratch, and learn how to be self-sufficient. I want to run.
I know that I am the only one who can change my situation. I know that I have to make some changes.
But first, I need to just breathe. If I try to make everything better at once, I know I’ll get overwhelmed and fail. To me, the most important things I need to focus on right now are my kids and my marriage. This weekend, I’m going to just enjoy them, and be grateful that I have my boys in my life. I’m going to count to 10 when I want to yell, and hug them instead. I don’t want them to be afraid of me.
The boys both just fell asleep, so I think I’m going to put away my to-do list and my food journal, and just read a book. And breathe.