Breathe

Forgive me if this post is a bit jumbled.  I have a lot to write, and I can’t guarantee that it’ll make sense. 

I am not happy….with anything, really.  I’ve been depressed for months.  Not depressed to the point where I can’t function, thankfully, but depressed to the point where I’m just not fun to be around.  I don’t smile or laugh much.  I yell too much.  I don’t want to be this way.

Let me break it down…

  • Work: I am frustrated with work.  I am so, so tired of being an adjunct.  While there have been benefits to teaching at multiple colleges (exposure to different philosophies, technology, students, professional development, etc), I’m tired of it.  I hate having to drive so much.  I hate having different bags for each school.  I hate not having an office, or even a desk (though I did luck out and get to share a real office at one campus this spring, and it was fantastic) or file cabinet.  I hate that most of my work is done at home, and that it interferes with my family. I hate that despite working my ass off, I barely break $20K per year.  I understand that I chose to teach and leave corporate life (where I had my own office, a real salary, and benefits), but I didn’t think I’d still be part-time after 7+ years.  Full-time teaching gigs are rare in these parts.  I don’t know how much longer I can do this financially or mentally.
  • Kids: I love my kids.  I really do.  But I find myself getting frustrated at the littlest things.  I find myself not wanting to cuddle or play.  I’ve been yelling too much instead of just listening and showing compassion. That’s not the kind of mom I want to be.
  • Marriage: My therapist warned me years ago that marital satisfaction declines with each child.  I didn’t believe her.  But, oh boy, was she right! Hubs and I are in constant parent mode, and rarely have time alone together.  We’re disconnected, and I hate it. 
  • Food: Seriously.  I’m so tired of thinking about weight loss.  I’ve been maintaining since February, but I need to get my ass in gear and do something.  I don’t know what the answer is. 
  • Personal: I want to write. I want to garden.  I want to make food from scratch, and learn how to be self-sufficient.  I want to run. 

I know that I am the only one who can change my situation.  I know that I have to make some changes.

But first, I need to just breathe.  If I try to make everything better at once, I know I’ll get overwhelmed and fail. To me, the most important things I need to focus on right now are my kids and my marriage.  This weekend, I’m going to just enjoy them, and be grateful that I have my boys in my life.  I’m going to count to 10 when I want to yell, and hug them instead. I don’t want them to be afraid of me. 

The boys both just fell asleep, so I think I’m going to put away my to-do list and my food journal, and just read a book.  And breathe.

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About JessieB

Just a 30-something girl trying to figure it all out. I write about weight loss, books, motherhood, life, and whatever is on my mind.
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3 Responses to Breathe

  1. I hope you take some good time for yourself soon x

  2. Thank you so much for your honesty in this post! I think it is hard for women to verbalize when they are feeling dissatisfied. We are so busy being the best employees, moms, and wives that we can be that we don’t think about what WE need.

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